1) Do fart?
Because only left me impressed.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
Because they are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can not keep it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
Because I like to disconnect you.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants eh?
because I see myself in them.
6) If a tree and I was a squirrel
I store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You can not be the hottest girl looking for here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret in the morning,
family sleeping late.
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench
every time I think, my nuts tighten
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
List of Top 15 Comedy Troupes -only those with a permanent lineup
1. The Marx Brothers
2. Monty Python
3. The Firesign Theater
4. The Goon Show
5. The Goodies
6. The Kids in the Hall
7. The Upright Citizens Brigade
(the Matt Besser/Amy Poehler/
Ian Roberts/Matt Walsh configuration)
8. The Original Saturday Night Live Not
Ready for Primetime Players (1975-1980)
9. The State
10. Human Giant
11. The Hollow Men
12. Stella
13. Broken Lizard
14. The Lonely Island
15. The Whitest Kids U' Know
2. Monty Python
3. The Firesign Theater
4. The Goon Show
5. The Goodies
6. The Kids in the Hall
7. The Upright Citizens Brigade
(the Matt Besser/Amy Poehler/
Ian Roberts/Matt Walsh configuration)
8. The Original Saturday Night Live Not
Ready for Primetime Players (1975-1980)
9. The State
10. Human Giant
11. The Hollow Men
12. Stella
13. Broken Lizard
14. The Lonely Island
15. The Whitest Kids U' Know
List of Top 25 Comedy Double Acts
1. Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
2. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy
3. George Burns and Gracie Allen
4. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
5. Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
6. Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong
7. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
8. Stewart Lee and Richard Herring
9. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie
10. David Mitchell and Robert Webb
11. David Baddiel and Rob Newman
12. Dustin Gee and Les Dennis
13. Jack Benny and Mel Blanc
14. Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish
15. Dick Smothers and Tommy Smothers
16. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara
17. David Baddiel and Frank Skinner
18. Randy Sklar and Jason Sklar
19. Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
20. Flight of the Conchords
(Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement)
21. Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis
22. Mike Winters and Bernie Winters
23. Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett
24. Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders
25. Matt Lucas and David Walliams
2. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy
3. George Burns and Gracie Allen
4. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
5. Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
6. Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong
7. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
8. Stewart Lee and Richard Herring
9. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie
10. David Mitchell and Robert Webb
11. David Baddiel and Rob Newman
12. Dustin Gee and Les Dennis
13. Jack Benny and Mel Blanc
14. Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish
15. Dick Smothers and Tommy Smothers
16. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara
17. David Baddiel and Frank Skinner
18. Randy Sklar and Jason Sklar
19. Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
20. Flight of the Conchords
(Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement)
21. Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis
22. Mike Winters and Bernie Winters
23. Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett
24. Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders
25. Matt Lucas and David Walliams
list 100 greatest-stand-up-comedians today
1. Richard Pryor
2. George Carlin
3. Bill Hicks
4. Bill Cosby
5. Lenny Bruce
6. Woody Allen
7. Steve Martin
8. Don Rickles
9. Jonathan Winters
10. Rodney Dangerfield
11. Sam Kinison
12. Stephen Wright
13. Robin Williams
14. Andy Kaufman
15. Eddie Murphy
16. Redd Foxx
17. Chris Rock
18. Eddie Izzard
19. Billy Connolly
20. Jerry Lewis
21. Jerry Seinfeld
22. Steve Coogan
23. Ricky Gervais
24. Lewis Black
25. Emo Phillips
26. David Cross
27. Richard Belzer
28. Joan Rivers
29. Mitch Hedberg
30. Denis Leary
31. Dave Chappelle
32. Peter Kay
33. Patton Oswalt
34. Jon Stewart
35. Brian Regan
36. Jeff Foxworthy
37. Zach Galifinakis
38. Sarah Silverman
39. Bob Hope
40. Louis C.K.
41. George Burns
42. Richard Jeni
43. Doug Stanhope
44. Albert Brooks
45. Bob Newhart
46. Phyllis Diller
47. Bill Bailey
48. Bill Maher
49. Brian Posehn
50. Eugene Mirman
51. Adam Sandler
52. Doug Benson
53. Harland Williams
54. Bobcat Goldthwait
55. Dave Attell
56. Demetri Martin
57. Janeane Garofalo
58. Greg Giraldo
59. Victor Borge
60. Mike Birbiglia
61. Arj Barker
62. Jim Breuer
63. Stephen Lynch
64. Paul F. Tompkins
65. Jim Gaffigan
66. Jim Norton
67. Maria Bamford
68. Bob Saget
69. Jimmy Carr
70. Dylan Moran
71. Tim Allen
72. Ellen Degeneres
73. Jay Mohr
74. Larry David
75. Freddie Prinze
76. Bill Dwyer
77. Jackie Mason
78. Lily Tomlin
79. Gregg "Neil Hamburger" Turkington
80. Christopher Titus
81. Ed Byrne
82. Garry Shandling
83. Stewart Lee
84. Mort Sahl
85. Flip Wilson
86. Tim Vine
87. Colin Quinn
88. Daniel Kitson
89. Judah Friedlander
90. Martin Lawrence
91. Dom Irerra
92. Lee Evans
93. Carlos Alazraqui
94. John Mulaney
95. Joe Rogan
96. Dick Gregory
97. Margaret Cho
98. Howie Mandel
99. Dara Ó Briain
100. Bill Burr
2. George Carlin
3. Bill Hicks
4. Bill Cosby
5. Lenny Bruce
6. Woody Allen
7. Steve Martin
8. Don Rickles
9. Jonathan Winters
10. Rodney Dangerfield
11. Sam Kinison
12. Stephen Wright
13. Robin Williams
14. Andy Kaufman
15. Eddie Murphy
16. Redd Foxx
17. Chris Rock
18. Eddie Izzard
19. Billy Connolly
20. Jerry Lewis
21. Jerry Seinfeld
22. Steve Coogan
23. Ricky Gervais
24. Lewis Black
25. Emo Phillips
26. David Cross
27. Richard Belzer
28. Joan Rivers
29. Mitch Hedberg
30. Denis Leary
31. Dave Chappelle
32. Peter Kay
33. Patton Oswalt
34. Jon Stewart
35. Brian Regan
36. Jeff Foxworthy
37. Zach Galifinakis
38. Sarah Silverman
39. Bob Hope
40. Louis C.K.
41. George Burns
42. Richard Jeni
43. Doug Stanhope
44. Albert Brooks
45. Bob Newhart
46. Phyllis Diller
47. Bill Bailey
48. Bill Maher
49. Brian Posehn
50. Eugene Mirman
51. Adam Sandler
52. Doug Benson
53. Harland Williams
54. Bobcat Goldthwait
55. Dave Attell
56. Demetri Martin
57. Janeane Garofalo
58. Greg Giraldo
59. Victor Borge
60. Mike Birbiglia
61. Arj Barker
62. Jim Breuer
63. Stephen Lynch
64. Paul F. Tompkins
65. Jim Gaffigan
66. Jim Norton
67. Maria Bamford
68. Bob Saget
69. Jimmy Carr
70. Dylan Moran
71. Tim Allen
72. Ellen Degeneres
73. Jay Mohr
74. Larry David
75. Freddie Prinze
76. Bill Dwyer
77. Jackie Mason
78. Lily Tomlin
79. Gregg "Neil Hamburger" Turkington
80. Christopher Titus
81. Ed Byrne
82. Garry Shandling
83. Stewart Lee
84. Mort Sahl
85. Flip Wilson
86. Tim Vine
87. Colin Quinn
88. Daniel Kitson
89. Judah Friedlander
90. Martin Lawrence
91. Dom Irerra
92. Lee Evans
93. Carlos Alazraqui
94. John Mulaney
95. Joe Rogan
96. Dick Gregory
97. Margaret Cho
98. Howie Mandel
99. Dara Ó Briain
100. Bill Burr
Your Green Jokes Quotes Text Messages
There were a couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years, she felt this was ridiculous. He thought it crazy to break this habit.
So one night while they were in the midst of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband wearing a battery-operated pleasure device ... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
Was completely ballistic.
"You're an impotent bastard," she cried to him, "How can you be lying to me all these years? You better explain!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
Well, after 20 years, she felt this was ridiculous. He thought it crazy to break this habit.
So one night while they were in the midst of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband wearing a battery-operated pleasure device ... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
Was completely ballistic.
"You're an impotent bastard," she cried to him, "How can you be lying to me all these years? You better explain!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
laugh and healthy
Do not argue with an idiot. He is dragged down to their level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather .. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God does not work that way. So I stole a bike and asked forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake an orgasm. But men can fake a whole relationship
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear talking.
If I agree that both would be wrong.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of his life teaching them to walk and talk. Then spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening News is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to say why not.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather .. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God does not work that way. So I stole a bike and asked forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake an orgasm. But men can fake a whole relationship
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear talking.
If I agree that both would be wrong.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of his life teaching them to walk and talk. Then spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening News is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to say why not.
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